We tend to believe that our partners are either right for us, or completely wrong; our relationship is either “meant to be,” or it just isn’t; we’re with our soulmate, or we’ve totally “settled.”

This all-or-nothing model of relationships puts us in a Catch-22. We want to know whether we are with the right mate, but the very act of questioning whether he or she is either right or wrong sets us up to expect way too much from them. These crazy-high expectations lead us to believe that if we notice our partner’s flaws or incompatibilities with us, we must be in the “wrong” relationship. That evokes feelings of frustration, disappointment, and resentment—maybe even contempt, which is a real relationship-killer.

These negative feelings aren’t trivial. They are cancers to relationships.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. Read this post from my Greater Good blog for four ways to release our unrealistic expectations and the toxic feelings they create in relationships.

This Week: What to do, say, and expect when you have a tantruming child.  (More info about tantrums can be found here or here.)

Are you always saying "yes" to everyone around you, but never making time for yourself? Saying no takes practice for most people, but it is a necessary life-skill in today's world.

Take Action:
Say "no" to several requests this week, but when you do, schedule the time you would have taken--on that extra informational interview, for example, or bringing cupcakes to the classroom--to do something for yourself.  Perhaps you can go to bed an hour earlier tonight, to catch up on much needed sleep.  Or maybe now you'll have time to eat a peaceful lunch without also having to catch up on emails at the same time.

Cinderella Ate My Daughter: Dispatches from the Front Lines of the New Girlie-Girl Culture

- By Peggy Orenstein

Just the title and cover of Cinderella Ate My Daughter scared me. Reading it is even more frightening: Orenstein presents case study after case study of things I never before questioned about today’s influential “pink and pretty” mainstream culture.

As I read, I kept waiting for the chapter of to-do items to set my husband and I back on the right course with our three children. The point of this book, however, is just to show us how consumerism and emphasis on beauty can dampen our daughters’ interest and success in school and athletics—or worse, lead them to insecurity, depression and even promiscuity. It’s a dishy tell-all about our culture that shocks us into finding ways to balance out all that awaits in the “girlie girl” world.

What choices, then, should we make for our daughters as they grow up? How then to prepare them to feel confident in their own skin and to make good choices? Clearly, we could throw our lipstick away and shun every girlie-girl toy. Beyond doing that, though, there are places to pay waaay more attention and immediate changes we can make no matter how old our kids are.

My main takeaways

(1) The Disney princess marketing that began in the 90s has given way to a hyper-gendered universe. We can’t choose diapers or a lunchbox without choosing between pink or blue. I am now more aware of the choices I make and will create more of a balance so that my daughter Reese (age 3) doesn’t believe, as Orenstein warns, that it’s only the pink and girlie things that are for her.

(2) Cross gender play runs counter to the goals of toymakers—but what better way for kids to learn about their emotions than limitless imaginative play? I hope to see our kids sharing their princess stories and superhero mayhem across gender lines. After all, a similar book can be written about the potential damage to our boys who are limited to roles as superheroes, ninjas and Jedi knights.

(3) Behavior among tweens and teenagers with social media like Twitter and Facebook has conditioned them to think of their lives less as an experience but more as a “performance” for their 641 Facebook friends. Because this self-involvement can lead to a chilling emptiness, or even depression, I am more careful about how I use Facebook as a performance and even about how I might talk on the phone with family about Reese’s new haircut or boo boos earned bravely on the playground.

I Tried It

As I was reading Cinderella Ate My Daughter, Reese surprised me by proclaiming that she wanted a Barbie. I couldn’t recall her ever even seeing one. Yikes! I got a feeling in my stomach like I was at the top of a roller coaster just about to drop.

I had already begun my crusade not to expose Reese to the conventional view of femininity that Barbie represented–but I still had so many questions. If we never get her a Barbie, would she grow to want the “forbidden fruit” even more? Does Barbie (or Bratt Doll or Miley Cyrus) really set that bad of an example, making girls feel bad about their own bodies?

What hit home for me was Orenstein’s point about her own daughter when she wanted Cinderella. If you “go Amish” and ban girlie girl things, it could backfire and signal to Reese that being beautiful is not ok. Or worse, that we don’t think she is beautiful.

We Bought Barbie—What Now?

Orenstein would not recommend that we bow to every demand. What I’ve learned is that when kids are younger, as mine are (ages 2-5), it is important to keep toys simple and focus on the things we enjoy doing together (or that my boys and girl enjoy doing together). Perhaps we can think of the hyper-gendered toys a bit like we do junk food – allowing our kids occasional “treats” from their mainstream cravings.

Around age six or seven, Orenstein coaches that kids begin to be capable of understanding more. Try this on the way home from your next mainstream movie. “Yes, Cinderella is a great fun movie, but I would call it junk media. You know, those things don’t really happen and seeing them all the time may make us feel bad about ourselves or make us sad that we don’t live in that kind of place.”

Like everything, modeling and moderation is key. We will participate with more excitement when we approve. Like when Barbie pops over to the Millennium Falcon to join Luke in battle against the dark side or when all three kids want to play Space Lego’s together.

I am grateful for Guide Dog Puppies. I feel happy just looking at this one. What are you grateful for today? “

Life’s greatest happiness is to be convinced we are loved.” -Victor Hugo

Are you feelin’ it this Valentine’s Day? Do you love your main squeeze, but know that your relationship could be better? Are you looking for a happy way to celebrate Valentine’s Day and invest in your relationship?

Stoke your relationship fires with this short Ala Cart Raising Happiness Class. For the next 2 DAYS ONLY take HALF OFF the class cost by using the coupon code “HappyValentine”! Sign-up here now.

We don’t have to wait for Valentine’s Day to generous with our hugs! Dacher Keltner’s studies show that touch is the primary language of compassion, love, and gratitude–all positive emotions. Read all about the way that hugs make us feel better in Keltner’s terrific book, Born to Be Good, and in this essay.

Take Action: Hug someone you wouldn’t normally every day this week. (I don’t really need to say this but…please make sure it will be appreciated, first!). If you’ve no one to hug at the moment, watch this “Free Hugs” video.

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Are you feelin’ it this Valentine’s Day? Do you love your main squeeze, but know that your relationship could be better? Are you looking for a happy way to celebrate Valentine’s Day and invest in your relationship?

Stoke your relationship fires with this short Ala Cart Raising Happiness Class. For the next 2 DAYS take HALF OFF the class cost by using the coupon code “HappyValentine”!

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This Happiness Tip was originally posted on my Greater Good blog.

Become a fan of Raising Happiness on Facebook.

Follow Christine Carter on  Twitter.

Loving is not just looking at each other, it’s looking in the same direction.”

-Antoine de Saint-Exupery

“Help! I hate my husband!”  a reader recently wrote to Iris Krasnow, author of The Secret Lives of Wives . Krasnow’s reader, Cindy from Dallas, emails her that “[this] hate I feel, it simmers and I wonder if it’s a sign that there could be a better partner out there for me. Little things grate on me every day. My husband chews his food loudly. I hate his father. I hate our domestic hum-drum. This can’t be love!”

“My hate comes from this feeling that I’m missing out on something else.”

We Americans are born and bred to expect, well, everything. The American Dream—which, from a happiness habit standpoint, is a bit more of an American Nightmare—teaches us to always be striving. We can always have it better than our parents’ generation, if only we work hard enough.
More than that, we are entitled to more, and better. We expect that we should have unlimited choice when it comes to shoes, housing, cars, types of jam at the grocery store … and spouses.

This abundance of choice in our society—and the advertising and media culture that (quite effectively) makes us feel that we won’t be complete until we acquire that next great thing—is taking its toll on our relationships.

Of course there is someone else out there for you. There always is. The real question is about whether or not you can be happy with the person you are already with.

Read this post about the expectations paradox we Americans tend to experience in our romantic relationships on my Greater Good blog.